Trust my lonely.

Go get your praise from someone else, you did a number on my health.  My world is brighter by itself and I can do better.

Alessia Cara, trust my lonely

At my last appointment, my psychiatrist had asked me what changed, what had allowed me to not only get better but be able to make a transition in my career field from retail back to contracting.  I told him that it was my parents and the absence of D.

You see, the limited communication I have with D is for my health.  I’m cordial because I have to be and to be honest, I’d be wasting my energy if I were to choose to hate him.  Our marriage was something that shouldn’t have happened had I listened to my gut on my wedding day but I went through with it because I was 25 and this man was willing to put up with me.  You read that right, I said put up with me.  First of all, that lets you know how I felt about if he really loved me or not.  Secondly, I let my age dictate my decisions, knowing the life I was living was not one I could see myself in for the rest of my life.  Living with him for three years already, I knew that I hated his parenting style, his lack of acknowledgement for the things I did, the lack of privacy I had, the cruel way he’d ask if I had taken my medicine if I were to get upset…the signs were all there, this was not the man I was supposed to marry.  But he was okay with cooking all of the time and when I was ill, he did take care of me and cater to me, but those things are and were not what a marriage make. 

By the time we got married, our sex life was non-existent and remained even after marriage.  I watched myself deteriorate; I packed on the pounds, began drinking every night, being disgusted with my appearance to the point where I stopped leaving the house – I stopped going to work.  I had migraines constantly and my mental health just seemed to hit a wall of no return.  I lost the will and desire to be a human being, neglecting even the most basic of tasks. Gross, I know.  I hated life and my self harm began to spiral out of control.  It wasn’t until my friend, we’ll call him JJ, came back into my life that I began to dig myself out of the dark abyss.

Unfortunately, JJ and I are no longer friends.  I won’t go into the specifics or details of what happened but I will say this:  he helped me move on, his honesty with my psychiatrist helped me to get better, and his betrayal taught me that some people are truly only meant to be in your life for a season. 

While some other events have happened after the exit of JJ, that I may or may not discuss, I eventually wound up numb.  I was over being bothered, over trying to maintain relationships, I began enjoying focusing on myself.  I was doing better, for myself.  It even seemed as though my parents began to see me as me again, and not as what D had described me to be.  I had gained my world back, I was exceeding my own expectations… so why did those two statements rock me so hard?  And then I heard Alessia Cara’s song “Trust my Lonely,” and reminded myself of how hard I FOUGHT to get back to where I am today, and those words?  That’s D hoping that what he said will have me change my mind, like it always would, but it won’t this time.

I have my parents in my life again and in the capacity I want them to be, without fear of repercussions.  If I want to talk to my mom at midnight or vice versa, I can do so without being asked why.  If I want to sit and talk to my dad and then zone out because our conversation got so off topic, I can.  If I need their help, I can ask guilt free without my husband looking over my shoulder turning up his nose at me.  Having them both be there for me is worth more than gold.  They fought with me, too, so why would I do something so foolish by questioning my own feelings?!  Questioning the happiness and relief I felt when I filed?!

Because that’s what toxic people do, especially when they’re a narcissist.  I learned that day that I will never truly be free until this is over because as long as there this is tie, he knows what to do and what to say to get me to start doubting myself again, and I truly don’t have time for it.  So I’m going to trust my lonely, because where I am now, may not be ideal but is leaps and bounds better for me than anything I had with him.