This post is about acceptance.
I have been home and teleworking for over a month now. Had I known I wouldn’t be stepping back into the office after my scheduled telework day, I would’ve taken a lot more home with me than what I did.
Yesterday, I was actually able to commit to working without being overwhelmed by despair or more recently, anger.
That anger stems from all of the snakes in the grass that have appeared, from the unjust removal of a co-worker who had spent years on the site and has historical knowledge that we will undoubtedly lose. I accidentally took that anger out on my mother today and after I stepped away, I walked back to her and apologized for my misplaced anger. For anyone who knows me, apologizing is not something that I’m instinctively wired with. I never say sorry, I just keep moving. But for some reason today was different, yesterday was different, and I think it’s because I’ve finally come to grips with this new reality, my new normal.
No – my depression hasn’t completely lifted but I am seeing the light shining above the horizon. There are things I am still incapable of doing and that’s mainly taking care of myself. The disruption to my daily life has affected my eating habits, my weight, and my overall desire to be an active participant in my daily life.
My new normal consists of doing as much as I can throughout my workday, distracting myself when I feel overwhelmed, annoying my dog with my love as he tries to sleep, and video chatting with my boyfriend. I can tell my dog has adjusted to me being around 24/7 as well because after he has breakfast, he no longer stares at me in the bed like, “Why are you here? It’s my nap time,” and just gets into my bed and passes out like I’m not even here. He’s part of my distraction – the cutest little coworker who doesn’t talk my head off but he does bark, sleep, and want tons of belly rubs.
I don’t know what happened to get me to realize that this is my life right now but I will say that video chatting with my boyfriend, falling asleep while we’re on, and just picking up where we left off once we wake up has been a huge booster for me. I am so fortunate and appreciative to have a partner who understands that our safety and health, and those of our loved ones in our homes, is of greater importance than being selfish. We’ve spent years being apart, and while this isn’t a walk in the park, this is testing our resolve – our ability as a couple, not as friends, to survive through anything. He is my lifeline; he has unknowingly continued to pull on the rope I’ve been hanging off a cliff with and he’s pulling me up every day.
If you’ve read any of my previous posts, this will probably be your “ah-ha” moment as to why I’ve always felt JJ has been a beneficial aspect of my life; again, I am truly fortunate.
All of this is to say that we may be social distancing at this time but that doesn’t mean we have to be emotionally distant. Lean on your friends, your family, your support system. They are the ones who are going to help you during this time and maybe you too might see the light peaking through.
Until next time – Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease <3