It’s been quite some time but I figured now is a better time than any to come back and get real.
They say that during this time it is super important to maintain the routines of your daily life before social distancing, before the stay-at-home orders came out. I’ve been treating every day the same way that I do on my normal telework days and let’s be honest – I think it’s starting to get to me.
This marks three weeks that I’ve been home and working and to be honest, I’m quite tired of my room – I’m tired of being in the house. For those of you who know me that sounds pretty crazy. Me. Tired of being in the house. The woman who was all about, I need my space, suddenly has way too much of it. I miss my coworkers, I miss my bi-weekly lash appointments, and most importantly, I miss my boyfriend. Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend, we’ll get to that later.
This stay-at-home order has made me realize that I really took advantage of “tomorrow,” and the thought that tomorrow I can’t go anywhere but the grocery and liquor store is kind of depressing. The thought that I won’t be waking up tomorrow and seeing the lovely ladies I work with and spill some tea and throw some shade is kind of depressing. The thought that I couldn’t even see my best friend for my lash fill today is kind of depressing. Finally, I had decided to get my ass in gear and go see my boyfriend Monday night but Monday night wouldn’t happen.
The world and this nation are facing truly unprecedented times but what’s worse? The amount of fear and misinformation being circulated. We’ve all become so consumed with this virus, it’s all anyone is talking about. I couldn’t stand Facebook before but now I can hardly spend five minutes on it without being bummed out. I get it, I understand the necessity of this – my parents are high risk because of their age, I’m high risk because I have asthma. With all of the information that is out there, I honestly feel that my parents have a better chance at fighting the virus than I do – I would literally be left gasping for air and intubated by the sounds of it and that alone kept me from wanting to leave the house.
Each day that I wake up, I can feel my mental health deteriorating in ways that truly make me afraid. I have my family, I have my dog, I have the ability to talk to my best friend and my boyfriend and yet none of this comforting. I am fortunate enough to still be working remotely while others are not, but none of this comforting. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to than to watch some shows on Hulu or Netflix, text, sleep, and log on for work. Even worse? My next psychiatrist appointment isn’t for another month and while these symptoms are quite new, I know myself well enough that it is vital for my mental health to begin taking note of what is going on because I cannot get the help that I need if I don’t have the data.
My mental health already began to shift earlier this month before all of this happened, to the point where my psychiatrist did not give me the option of deciding when to come back. I began hallucinating – seeing my mother walk by my room when she wasn’t there, or my dog walk in when he’s passed out on the hallway floor. He believes its from the lack of sleep but obviously a new symptom is concerning. The good news? Since I’ve been home and getting much more sleep, none of that has happened. The bad news? I can’t find one positive thing to enjoy in my life right now and I believe it’s all tied to my belief that there’s always tomorrow.
It’s unfortunate that an event like this made me realize what I was taking for granted and I’ll probably go buck wild the minute the stay-at-home is lifted. Calm yourself – I mean push myself to leave the house, not go on some weird party binge. But it makes me wonder, how many of us have really taken time for granted? How many of us have put things off or let things get in the way? And how many of us are truly regretting those ideas?
So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to continue being real throughout this time because if you’re feeling this way, too – I’m with you. This constant feeling of dread is suffocating, no one is talking about anything but this. No one is enjoying the life that they still have in the comfort and safety of their homes. Everyone is losing their fucking minds and reacting out of fear. Fear gets you no where, fear causes you to make mistakes, to be selfish – being logical is what is needed to survive, being kind and thoughtful are necessary for survival. I’m choosing to survive and obviously stay my happy ass where I’m at but I’d be lying if I said I was okay.
Until next time… Love, Peace, & Chicken Grease <3
BITD is a blog designed to educate on mental illness and maintain mental wellness through personal experiences.