It is official; I filed for divorce.
The day I left the courthouse, I was over the moon! There are no other words to describe what I felt other than relief. You see, this time last year, D, told me he had filed and I would be served with the papers soon. When he told me, at first, I felt sick at the thought of just being caught off guard by the sheriff but that soon subsided. But then the sheriff never came and months went by before I finally decided to look to see if he had even bothered to do it. And to my surprise, or lack thereof, he had not. I chose to shoot him a text, asking about it, and he said that he had never said that to me, only that he was thinking of it but that he did not have the money. It was not worth my time to find the text and send the screenshot, though so I let it go.
Fast forward a few more months and he sent me a cute pic of the corgi he purchased during one of our separations. But as I looked at the picture, I could not help to notice a brand-new couch. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but couches are not cheap. I thought this man said he did not have the money to file? But he had the money to buy a new couch? This man and I agreed that our relationship was dead and done, does he still just want to be legally married and call it a day? I was furious but my job at the time was part-time and I was not making nearly enough to be able to pay for it myself, I was barely able to make my credit card payments as it was.
I kept in contact with D, sending pictures back and forth of the dogs and one day he told me that he needed my information so that he could file. He purchased some package that would prepare all the paperwork for him. I guess you can figure out that, that never happened either. Cut to October and I was presented with a career change opportunity that I could not pass up but almost did due to my loyalty to my boss at the time. The pay rate would not only help me build my savings back up but would allow me to take care of things but still, my loyalty…that is until it was discovered that she was leaving. I truly believed it was a God send as my job offer came on her last day; what I thought would be her last task for me in her position, being a reference for me, it would end up being that she would send in my resignation instead. I love that woman to pieces, but that is another story.
I had already made my mind up about filing the papers myself after I started my new job but it became a necessity when I discovered that D had a girlfriend. I was happy for him, do not get me wrong, because it meant he could not pull a “I’ll just be alone,” sob story on me, but it made me angry that filing for divorce was STILL not on this man’s plate. Wouldn’t his girlfriend like for him to be a single man? I was in a similar boat she was in when I met him and I sure as hell could not wait for his divorce to be final. When I asked him why he still had not filed, he provided no answers for me, but could I really be surprised? Then the day came, my first paycheck with my new company and I made it to the courthouse just in time to still be able to make it to my doctor’s appointment. I was elated. I even thought to myself, “I’ll just be nasty and surprise him when the sheriff shows up.” But something nagged at me and told me to be civil, so I called and told him I had filed. Do you know what he said to me?
“Thank you for doing that. What made you decide to file?”
You have got to be kidding me. This man still knows how to upset me and make me question and doubt myself. I was furious and the revelation that he had no intentions of ever doing it himself added onto it. I had worked so hard to become unbothered and with those two statements from his mouth, it began an unraveling I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle.
BITD is a blog designed to educate on mental illness and maintain mental wellness through personal experiences.